My 1st attempt at rap

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Johncyz

Johncyz

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Success is the best, the worst is not trying
Failure is a test, to see if you're worth buying
well as of yet, im sure my flow is hurt by not flying
I sit sighing, no record wants me cause i'm tha truth,
I dont work with lying

No spurting bout 22's, dime pieces, and quarter sacks
what I do, I do simply for me and for the raps
so like a quarterback, support mine and your team on my back
colission course on this track, sorta need to react.

I oughta pack, cause tomorrow I leave for whereeva I'm destined
should I share my confession, I'm stressin, should I be kNOwing or yessin?
No question, I'm great, period. No point after
and as of late, I've been serious, aint no joint laughter

tired of these coin rappers...all a dime a dozen
no time for dem to be something, they busy trying to make da world love 'em
well **** 'em, and **** you if ya don't liken to my strugglin,
I'm buyin nothing, cause money aint striking from my hustlin
aint no life in thuggin, so I won't be gangbangin
I see my dreams hangin, can I reach it before the chains raisin
or before my brains breakin, cause I sit insane...drankin
buzzin and thankin
I came in the world broke...when will thangs be changing?

When is it switchin from bad inta betta
The WALL IS closin on me, so fast I see Voletta
fixing to be B.I.G...I have to say I betcha
so If I letcha on my track, than you hafta be a trend setta

You the one that sends lettas, neva the one replying, or relying on me
Ya heard? Cause followers are 4 the twitter only
just like swallowas aint neva 5 ya bitter homies
neva a quitta, No Me...

I been a fighta like Evanda Holy...F
I'm the genius askin questions, no chance to blow the test
the writa who's gramma checkin, no chance to blow the text
now show respect, and know as of yet,
I've set a
 
Dominateus said:
tired of these coin rappers...
all a dime a dozen
no time for dem to be something
they busy trying to make da world love 'em
-

That's very, very good.

I thought the rest of it was...competitive, if that's what your shooting for.
Click to expand...

What makes it "very, very good"?
Also, what do you mean by "competitive"?
I'm very interested in understanding what qualifies as a good rhyme and such.

Also, I wrote this song yesterday, and was hoping you might check it out and tell me what you think of the lyrics:
zshare. net / audio / 65406691a8c20973 /
 
What makes it very, very good...is that it is an original perception.

What makes it competitive, is it sounds like everyone else.
 
oh okay, so its got originality, but is applicable to a more commercial crowd?
 
I've gone as far with this as I'm willing.

You may not like the critique, but nit-picking it to death, isn't going to change it.
 
Dominateus said:
I've gone as far with this as I'm willing.

You may not like the critique, but nit-picking it to death, isn't going to change it.
Click to expand...

oh no, i'm definitely not against the critique, I'm just making sure that I'm understanding it correctly, so that I can start towards correcting whatever I see fit.

Constructive criticism is always welcomed.
 
That's refreshing to hear...

Sometimes you have to read between the lines on these critiques. Nobody wants to discourage someone so they quit, so they try to say things in the nicest way they can.

Your smart, creative. You can see original things. Go with your originality, and stay with it, build works based on your sharp observations, don't just rehash what has already been done to death, because it's easier.
Good writing has never been, and will never be, easy.

Also, when your competing, you have to stand out in a crowd. You can't do that, if you sound just like the crowd. You must be different, original, so ponder that before you pick your pen back up.

You don't want to be competitive. You don't want to be ranked with the "norm".

You need to be better than that.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Dominateus said:
That's refreshing to hear...

Sometimes you have to read between the lines on these critiques. Nobody wants to discourage someone so they quit, so they try to say things in the nicest way they can.

Your smart, creative. You can see original things. Go with your originality, and stay with it, build works based on your sharp observations, don't just rehash what has already been done to death, because it's easier.
Good writing has never been, and will never be, easy.

Also, when your competing, you have to stand out in a crowd. You can't do that, if you sound just like the crowd. You must be different, original, so ponder that before you pick your pen back up.

You don't want to be competitive. You don't want to be ranked with the "norm".

You need to be better than that.
Click to expand...

I appreciate your input. I would be honored if you would listen to my 2 latest songs on my myspace, and tell me what you think of everything (It's the first time I've made the beats, wrote the lyrics, and mixed and such)

www.myspace.com/fedresrec

The songs I want you to critique are : Who Am I?, and The One I Love
 
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